22

I turned 22 today. Still pretty much clueless. Can’t someone knock some sense into me?

Booooring Easter

Since Thursday last week, I haven’t gone out at all during the whole Easter. In fact, I don’t even know what the hell I had done during this long weekend. I never took a step out of the house during these 4 days.

Until today, went to uni and finally did some studies, although just a wee bit. It feels good to be out.

The Magic of Facebook

A friend added me on Facebook two days ago. He’s a senior from uni. To my surprise, I found C’s friend (the one who I’m afraid of) on his friend list. Got to her page and managed to see C’s photos over there. Quite a few of them actually.

Apparently they are colleagues working in the same consulting firm. Even saw her photos with her boyfriend, soon to be husband, according to the comments of the photos. Then I pondered, she does look slightly different from the photos. Looks better in real life, that’s what I feel.

To be honest, I tried to find C’s facebook the day I knew her name. Basically did a search based on her name and origin. I did find out one with a display picture that looks like her. Couldn’t look further than that as I can’t view her profile. I was pretty sure that’s hers until I found the real one. Nothing much on her page except she’s 6 years elder than me.

But she doesn’t look that old. My eldest sis is 5 years senior of me and she looks more mature. Strange.

On the other hand, I actually still went to the bus stop for the last two days. On Wednesday, just when I nearly reached there, I turned away and walked right up North going to the stop before the one I usually use. Then again on Thursday, got there at quarter past 5. This time, I just wanted to take my bus and not waiting. But after a while she was there too. I was at the wall and she didn’t see me. Well, I didn’t approach her this time. Bloody hope she doesn’t see me. Maybe she did after all. My bus came before hers and I jumped straight at the queue and got in.

The thing I had a talk with Kei on Wednesday night. Told him everything including I’m embarassed to see her again at the bus stop and whether i shall never use that bus stop again. He just said don’t need to think too much, act normally. I agree what he said. Or maybe some part of me still hoping to see her again. Arghhh…

Angel

My favourite song by Jack Johnson.

Finally…

I did it. Yes but all ended up in utter disappointment.

Went to the bus stand on time and as usual, my heart was pumping like crazy. After roughly 1ominutes she came, to my surprise she just stood some distance away to the my right. As opposed to the previous times, she would queue up in the line. That was the closest I ever stood next to her. She is very pretty. I figured for 5 seconds, then at last I mumbled something like “Hi, how are u today?”. Apparently my first few words were soft and she couldn’t quite hear me. I don’t even remember what i said and how long did we talk already. We proceeded to a conversation where I got to know some of her background. She might be older than I initially thought but not that i care.

Until the moment I asked who she’s staying with, she said boyfriend and his family…

What?!@@! Can you imagine the moment when I was still ultra happy to be talking to her and all of a sudden my feeling sank deep down, into somewhere bottomless. I’m still feeling it now. All of these happened just about 30 minutes ago.

I’m so fucked, dont know what I’m experiencing now. The feeling is very weird and painful. Never experience this and don’t know how to deal with it.

Why have to do this to me??? After so long i get to meet a person i really like and she’s attached. It’s not like i get to see girls i like always. I thought after these few weeks something just might happen. Since the time I started notice her, it becomes a habit of me just to see her after school everyday. I strongly believe she’s the girl I have always wanted to meet. Seeing her is the moment I look forward to everyday i wake up. Undoubtedly, I made progress today and it seems that’s all the progress can ever be made.

Perhaps, I’m asking and hoping too much. The problem is why i have the impression that she’s quite polite to me and didn’t seem defensive. She even stood beside me and from the look of it she didn’t look extremely uncomfortable. Our conversation went quite well i think…maybe until the moment i knew she has a boyfriend. I was stunned deep inside but my face was still cool. I was asked what bus i take, not sure why this was asked.

Well, she is just being friendly. I don’t know what i shall do right now. Continue to go to the stop there and see her? This time round should be easier to talk to her. What can you do when she’s already taken. Come to think of it, she just wants to tell me she has her man. So, all things end here. She’s really a good person in this case. At least, she didn’t make a mickey out of me. That makes me like her even more. She probably won’t be so polite the next time she sees me again waiting for her at the bus stop.

I’m heartbroken now. But I don’t feel like quitting until I get an answer that I have no chance at all. Am I stupid/crazy/mad? So helpless…Why didn’t I meet her earlier?

I Blew It Again

Had a real great chance today to talk to the office girl. Went there at the usual time and didn’t see her after a while. It got me wondering if she would be there today. What’s worse was I didn’t realise she didn’t queue up as she normally would and stood at the inner side.

Then I finally saw her as I kept noticing the queue until I was unaware she was 30 feet to the right of me. There was a person in between us. I hesitated for a few seconds as to approach her. Wished I had 4 balls at that time. After 15-20 seconds, the buses came. Don’t remember the time. It seemed so long yet so short.

Both our buses arrived at the time, she went into hers and I got up in mine. SHITTTTTTTTTTT. Regret it so much, shouldn’t spend the mere seconds hesitating.

Surprisingly, she wasn’t with her friend/colleague today and she didn’t stand in the queue. That was a great opportunity for me. Honestly, the friend of hers scare the shit out of me. She gives me an impression she’s a scary person. I recognize her as she’s from the same uni as mine. Saw her many times throughout my uni years. I think she somehow recognize me as well. Most of the time we met, we would stare at each other. Just that we don’t know each other. If we do, it might be a little easier. Sigh….

AH..well.

Some lectures from Sister

hUifen~ says:
u gotta be 主动！！
hUifen~ says:
i wasnt like this last time.. i thought.. aiyer.. dun wan lar. say no to everything.
hUifen~ says:
chances dun always come to u. if u let it slip.. yet u dun try and chase it back then tat’s it. u lose it forever.
hUifen~ says:
my lecturing hahahahhaha…

1. chances dun always come to u. if u let it slip.. yet u dun try and chase it back then tat’s it. u lose it forever.

*this is damn true for the current situation

2. u dun wana repeat ur mistakes again

3. if u keep looking back, u can never move forward. u’re gona stay where u are, not making any move whereas the others are moving ahead

4. learning how to fix is a big step in growing up!

5. at first if u cant deal on ur own, try to get help frm other ppl. slowly u’ll learn hw to deal on ur own, tat is when u become independent!!